I don't normally talk about my personal life to anyone let alone post it on my blog for all but what the heck. Here's to everyone.
I was a happy child. But that didn't last for long. At the age of 5, along came my brother. And, no this is not where I start talking about sibling rivalry and what not. It's much more than that. Yes, initially, of course, there was jealousy involved. When he started to get all the attention in the room, better toys and not to mention he was much cuter than I was when I was a baby. It was all that normal stuff. Until I start to understand things better. Until I start to realise that our family, is not as happy as it seemed. Then I realise I had to stop being a child and start acting like an adult - for my brother. I had to be strong, for him. If it weren't for his existence I think I would have left this family every chance I could.
I am glad. That he grew up happy. Even up till today, he is able to be carefree and go about his life happily. That, I am truly grateful for.
When I turned 17 (my little brother 12), comes the time I had the make the toughest decision for my future. I chose to stay in Kuching for my Diploma. Told everyone who asked why I did not choose to go overseas that I was afraid of travelling alone. Truth is, I have always wanted to travel. Or at least go somewhere far away. But something kept telling me to stay - that my brother needs me, At least until he turns 17. True enough.. I had to stay because along came my little sister. Then that was it. My hopes and dreams to study out of Malaysia and to pursue my dreams was never to happen. I have never thought of doing so ever since then.
When I found that my mom was pregnant with a baby, I was beyond furious. Why? Why would such a damaged and unhappy couple bring another child into this world? Because I know what it was like.. and I can't bear to think that another person would have to feel the way that I do.
I am now 25 and I have been pursuing my degree for 3 years in West Malaysia. I like it here. Because I get to stay with my ever so kind and loving boyfriend. I have plans to join the workforce here in the west for a few years before going back. However, like I said, choice of future forever on hold or never to happen. I am now forced to go back as soon as I graduate.
Don't get me wrong. I love my sister more than anyone in this world. Same goes to my little brother - who is now 20 but will forever be my little brother.
Because of my sisters' existence, I cannot run away. I cannot look the other way. Neither can I make decisions for my own happiness. My sisters' happiness is important, so I made hers mine. I need to put her happiness and well-being before mine. Because if not me, then who?
My parents will never understand how damaging it is. No matter what I say or how hard I try to explain to them. Because we will forever be 'just a child' to them. Pretty sure everyone has gone through this with their parents - whether or not it is the same situation.
Only now, due to recent events, have I lost hope to trying to salvage my parents' relationship. There is truly nothing I can do to have them treat each other better. I admit, I have had countless suicidal thoughts. So many times I feel like it's just me against the world.
My point of this post is, to all of you out there having to go through any sort of hardship, we will get through this. Yes, it is difficult, to count your blessings at trying times, but it is not impossible. We get stronger by the day. I always try to remind myself that there are others out this who have lives that are much more tragic than mine. I am still lucky to be able to satisfy my oh-so-ever-often cravings, have a roof over my head, proper transportation, money to buy clothes. I have seen children with so little, unable to have anything that they want in monetary terms, happier than I am. If they can find happiness, then so can I. There is always, always, hope.
Just because we have to go through certain hard times that others don't, doesn't mean they don't have their own hardship. And just because we aren't happy the way we want to, doesn't mean we won't ever be happy. We just have to work a little harder to find it.
To whoever you are... You are not alone and neither am I. We're all in this together. Good luck. <3 p="">3>